Lying in bed at 8:30 am...
The muscles in my arms, in particular my deltoids, feel like they are dripping acid...
Deep, profound aching in arms and palms of hands and neck and shoulders...
This is central pain...
Pain that originates in the spinal cord and/or brain...
I've read stroke patients often deal with such pain. I did not know that.
Before.
My dog, on the bed, shifts his position and leans against my back. I yearn for his closeness, expecting the only thing good I could sense right now, his love and loyalty, his warmth and his understanding...
but, please, the pressure causes more pain. Which I will endure in exchange for that good...
waiting...
for oxycodone to ease the aching...remembering my pain doctor telling me, "If the pain doesn't go away in 40 minutes, take another pill."
I thought this was gone after my surgery. I had thought that the stabilization of my head and neck, the miracle of the surgery, had also removed this condition that has haunted my days for years. But...I guess not. I can see now that the higher dose of pain meds was handling this pain. And I've been weaning myself down on the meds, finally, the other day, reaching the dosage plateau I was on "pre-surgery."
So much on the news these days about abuse of oxycodone... the harm it does for so many who need this medication, the families who begin to wrongly judge their loved ones...thankfully, I do not have to deal with this lack of understanding or this misjudgment. Thanks be to God.
I know this will pass. At least, I believe it will. This is the very pain that was keeping me in bed most of the day "pre-surgery." This is the very pain that convinced me to proceed with a dangerous and risky surgery, just knowing I could not continue life that way. Now, like a long-gone ghost that has suddenly returned, it's back. My hope, where I'm placing my confidence, is that the gain from the surgery will be, at least, that this deeply, profound, all-encompassing, life-stopping pain will pass...will pass more quickly than it did before surgery. I have faith that it will. I have faith that all things will eventually be so much better. Please, oh Lord.
