Tuesday, July 1, 2008

One step forward, two steps back

It has been nine days since I last posted and I have had a good nine days. I've really felt so much better than I've been feeling since my surgery. And I am feeling finally like I'm experiencing "some" recovery finally. It's been a long seven months.

Oh, I haven't thought of doing any half-day hikes or cartwheels or 5k walks, but I started thinking I might be able to ride in a car on a trip more comfortably, actually be able to go someplace in a touristy sort of fashion. And I've thought that perhaps I would not go back for the fusion if I could continue with some improvement.

Then today, wearing the Johnson CTO vest and going the 35 miles to our shopping town and so many of the same ol' symptoms came rushing back for no apparent reason. My brain started clouding over and hurting, and my whole body became weak. I was gone for 3 hours but when I got home, I headed right for bed. It was 12:30 pm.

And I just laid there thinking about the uncertainty of the fusion. It's a huge procedure that looms darkly in my future. The decision to have it done is BIG. And it's so permanent, no going back.

If I only knew someone who has experienced exactly what I have had, the Jefferson fracture and the atlanto-occipital dislocation...and if I only knew someone with THOSE things who has had this particular fusion...or ANY fusion. This is the hard part, the lonely feeling and the knowing that even though my neurosurgeon says the fusion is what I need, I am still the only one he will have done this to who suffers with the injury I have.

Those who go through these surgeries state that you will know when it is time, you will not have any doubts because you will be that bad off. So, I must not be ready if I keep having these doubts.

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