Saturday, January 3, 2009

A glimpse of normal

So, Friday, we went to our shopping town to do errands. It seems about all I write about here is my little jaunt 35 miles to go shopping, but guess that shows you how big my world is.

I decided to go and have a fine time. The sun was out, and the sky was brilliantly blue. The Columbia Hills, which are treeless and very tall, had snow on the upper reaches and green grass below. It was so enchanting to me, someone who had not been out of the house for awhile.

I did not wear the CTO vest. I decided the vest causes me so much brain-pain and the dark tunnel sleep, that I would try the Aspen collar, cinched up snug, instead.

Once into town, I took off the collar to go into the drug store, and decided NOT to put it back on when I got back into the truck. It also was creating the brain-pain (so different than a headache, it's a swimmy, foggy pain that results into almost passing out), so I left it off and left it to God. Please don't let us get hit by another car, Lord! I prayed.

We next drove to Home Depot and I told my husband jauntily, "I'm going in with you!" Once inside, sans neck brace, I started looking at lighting by myself and this overwhelming sense of euphoria came over me. I felt entirely WELL. I did a mental check of my usual "complaints" and, nope, they were not hurting. It's true. I feel good. Little Richard would be proud.

I felt like skipping through the big store. I didn't....but I felt like it.

The gift of normalcy lasted 30 minutes. Can I emphasize that to those who are reading this and do not suffer 24/7 chronic, central pain? That you get up and go about your business in the morning and throughout the day and of course, you have your problems and your times of suffering, but you still have a pretty normal body that feels pretty normal most of the time.

Just imagine every day, day in, day out, nighttime, every breath, for over four years, no normalcy. Not feeling that "well being" inside your bones and your muscles and your brain? Every second, it hurts deep and profound, and limitations are endless. Then, a window opens and you honestly feel pain...strong...want to skip, of all things! It's a totally different thing than that "find good in every day" and "count your blessings" and that "be happy in spite of your suffering" kind of feeling good.

It's a feeling of GOOD as deep and profound and diffuse as the PAIN you are used to.


I knew it would not last. I have had these glimpses perhaps four times since my injury. I know they do not last. For me, I ate it up. I looked left and right and up and down at store items. I went into four different stores, and also a restaurant. I kept my collar off until we headed onto the highway for home.

'Bout that time, things started to come back. Crushed nerves started to win out over fooled brain cells which had thought for a few minutes that, hey, she's not wearing the collar, she must be healed.!

and I felt healed! I actually had a touch of healing, for a half an hour, I knew what it would feel like to be healed, touched by God, receiver of a miracle! I thought that, even. "I'm healed."

And I also wondered if I were to get the fusion and have the bracing from my mid-Cspine up to the back of my skull, would I have more days like this?

Today, the day after this delightful excursion, I paid dearly. I wanted to die. How could I hurt this deep for the rest of my life? This is so deep...that words fail me so badly. I know people in excrutiating pain...that is not this...I'm not on the floor of a dark closet in a fetal position. But whatever this is, why don't they have a name for it, a word for it?

and why do I keep trying to define share it? I don't know...

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