Self-control...do I have enough?

I know I don't have any willpower and self-control is the same thing, isn't it?

I can recall in 1978 when I first came to the Lord, I was a smoker. And I wanted to quit smoking, it felt like a calling put upon my heart. Yet, I knew I'd tried many times before and couldn't make it until noon before I would grouchily demand my husband give me a cigarette!

It's a story for another time, but suffice it to say that I learned I have zero willpower and only through the power of God was I able to quit smoking 30 years ago. And I'm so thankful that I did. Cigarettes are terribly expensive these days.

For the last six days, I've been taking little walks across the road with my dog. I've only been gone 20 minutes tops and that is walking very slowly and stopping to train the dog or sit on my prayer rock. I've felt, as you have read here lately, like this area is a gift to me and I should be content with the proximity of such beauty to enjoy.

But I've also been getting worse and worse with pre-surgery symptoms. Tonight, it's gotten a lot worse, so I will simply have to stop walking over there every day. Do I have the self-control? Nature becomes an addiction for me very easily. Quincy will be terribly disappointed. But I have to get back to feeling better physically, even though the walks made me feel wonderful mentally and emotionally. It's like I can't have both, at least not if it involves daily walks.

Last night (it's 4:30 am now and I've been up an hour) I woke up twice with so much pain below the waist including burning hips and calves. Old, familiar stuff. And I remember the words from my NY nurse: "If it causes a flare up, stop doing it." I hope I haven't done any permanent damage.

I also wanted to record here for my own purposes that I have started developing a stabbing pain under the right shoulder blade. It's not a sore muscle and it's been going on for maybe a month. I can feel it now as I write and the meds aren't touching the pain.

I think I might go back to making a whiry gig. The one I made late last year is working like a champ, the woodpecker pecking like crazy at the notch in the tree. We are getting some nice breezes and since my husband doctored my creation for balance and added some clear fin extensions on the propeller blades, it's an engineering marvel!!