Tuesday, November 25, 2008

rejection, good day, bad morning

I just woke up with pain so bad that it played a starring role in the dream I was having.

I was young, vibrant, strong and healthy. I worked on a dude string, and I couldn't saddle a small pony because of the horrific pain and weakness I was experiencing.

When I awakened, the pain was so intense, below the waist and all the way down to my feet. I stumbled into the kitchen and took one oxycodone, walked away and then turned back and took another. I had to hit this one where it hurt, literally.

Why? Something like this is always caused by activity. It must have been that long mountain trail ride I went on yesterday, oh, how glorious with the surrounding peaks dusted in snow. I knew I'd pay for it but it would be worth it.

Or it was the relaxing swim I enjoyed at the neighborhood pool a mile away. First time there, I was able to soak off all the aching muscles from my great ride earlier in the day. I didn't swim too much, but it DID feel so wonderful to feel normal again. I took it slow, knowing I needed to build my muscle mass back up...oh, do I ever!

Or it was the nice little walk through the woods I took when I got home from the swim. I knew I shouldn't go far, so I took it easy, and was so blessed by the smell of the damp woods. I was not lonely ... I had deer tracks and turkey feathers and the nearby "gobble" from a tom when I whistled a bit. A perfect ending to a perfect day!

It was probably due to all of these things I did, this pain that caused me to writhe a bit and to gasp aloud, so intense, so deeply profound and breathtaking...I prayed for respite through tears. And waited for the drugs to kick in.

Or, it wasn't due to any of these things because I didn't do any of them. I didn't vacuum yesterday...I didn't sweep...I didn't clean house...I didn't play ball on the lawn with the dog, I didn't walk over to my neighbor's to chat, I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't!

What I DID do was go grocery shopping. We drove in our comfy car to our shopping town, I walked through one small store, a hardware type store...and I walked through the large Grocery Outlet store because the prices are so cheap there and we need cheap!

All concrete surfaces. In very comfy walking shoes. Didn't I think first? Why didn't I realise I can't do something like the extreme sport of grocery shopping on a day when I feel halfway good! I mean, that is right up there with kite surfing, rock climbing, skateboarding, cross country skiing, I should have known better!

Sorry for the sarcasm. It's hard to choke down some sort of anger or bitterness when it hurts this much.

Rejection? I went to the drug store while in our shopping town 35 miles away from home, and once again drove up to the drive up window and asked if work comp had authorized my Lidoderm patches...yet. The pain I feel this morning is exactly the pain that the patches really work on. I can put them on at night and not have to wake up in quite this bad a shape.

I first asked for a refill in early October, on the 2nd. I was told work comp would not authorize the refill (even though the box says it has a refill on it). I was told it would have to go into review. I waited until 3 weeks later when I got the rejection letter from work comp, saying the patches were denied.

I asked my PCP to file an appeal, so he wrote a letter explaining that when I use the patches, I don't have to take as many oral meds. That was 2 weeks ago.

Yesterday, the pharmacist told me that he could refill the RX, so we went and participated in the extreme sport of grocery shopping and then returned. I walked in this time, needing to use the rest room. Braced up in my CTO, I expected I was picking up the patches that would help me so much.

What I was expecting and what I got were two different things, of course. The gal said the patches were still being denied. I wanted to cry. I was so weak standing there in the vest. I felt so vulnerable, so tender, holding up the line behind me (couldn't look behind me, but when I finally looked after feeling so guilty for ten minutes, I saw no one there). I felt such a "nothing" as I waited for some pencil pusher in an office in CA to decide if I should suffer or not. Obviously, he has never experienced this sort of pain.

Tears started to form because the rejection pushed so many buttons previously installed by neurosurgeons, neurologists, doctors of all kinds who disrespected me and told me I had emotional problems (until Dr. B so easily found that my neck was still broken). I walked out of the drug store feeling stepped upon, a ratty old door mat no one notices anymore, that ought to be replaced because it is worn out, used up and ugly.

In spite of all of this, however, I did have a nice day yesterday, with less pain than usual. Perhaps the pain this morning is also because I took less pain meds yesterday...so, as they leeched out of my body, the true tenants, the ones who sub-let to pain meds on a temporary and ephemeral basis, began to rock it on out in a no-holds-barred parte'. One I didn't like being invited to.

pardon all the metaphors and analogies this morning!! Sometimes, for a writer, they bottle up and then blow the cork...uh oh...here I go again!


lace1070 said...

hey ~ just checking in with you to wish u a happy thanksgiving! BTW ~ your auto play Pat Green song ~ Wave on Wave ~ one of my favs! You know I went to college with Pat and was frieds with him before he became famous ~ he's an awesome christian guy ~ can't wait til his next cd. Hugs ~ Lace

One Sick Mother said...

oh man! I am so sorry about those patches! What a blow. I have stood at the pharmacy counter and felt that mixture of horror and disbelief. It is sad how our wellbeing and quality of life can be held hostage by pencil pushers.

Feel better soon. I was thinking of you today. always think of you around Thanksgiving. I remember you had your surgery then. I hope this year is a good one for you and as pain-free as possible.


By His Grace said...

Hi Lace! wow, that's amazing you were friends with Pat Green. I love that song! He's a great song writer!! It feels so uplifting. Thanks for dropping by! Happy Thanksgiving, sister!

OSM, Happy Thanksgiving to you, too! and yes, I think of you, too, and how you came to visit me and how that lifted my spirits! Thank you, I'm so happy to be connected with you, you are very special to me!

love to ya both!!