Retirement...I never knew how good it would be!

Well, okay, I'm not retired, I'm disabled. My husband is the one who is retired, since he is 11 years older than I am. But, at any rate, neither of us is working.

Yes, we now have that feared "limited income" that my parents used to talk about. They'd say, "But WE'RE on a limited income, we can't afford to do that."

I always imagined that meant that they just got pensions and social security with no hope of anything additional and that we were young enough to add onto our monthly earnings in some manner.

With their fear-tinged words, I learned to dread retirement and for many years, I knew we'd not be ready for it financially (ranch work doesn't pay out pensions or 401 Ks) and I...well, yes, I feared it.

Again, "oh me of little faith!"

How I love this time of our lives. My husband and I are so in love, especially after our 34 years together. And we never have disagreements or misunderstandings. It's like we have gotten those all taken care of and now it's such smooth sailing.

There is no way to describe that feeling that you always have tomorrow to get something done if you don't achieve it today. That you don't have to be very many places at a certain time and you are no longer under someone else's "thumb."

We worked on ranches for years and years, and though that is a lifestyle full of cherished value, there are some challenges that come with living right where you work....working 24/7, or at least, being on call all the time. And being responsible for large properties and sizeable amounts of livestock that do not belong to you.

And, of course, being told what to do and how to do it by someone who often doesn't have the amount of experience that you do.

Therefore, we feel today such a blissful freedom from those things that came from managing ranches, and to think that we worried that we could not live without ranch life! God indeed always has a plan.

When we were considering where to retire, our hearts led us to the small town where we live today, and each and every day, we voice to each other, "We love it here." The people are perfect. And we fit in. God had that plan, you see.

Being together all the time, but not in the midst of the intensive labor we were used to being in while sharing each other's company, has really turned out to be a thing that feels like a reward earned at the end of a long, long road.

What an honest-to-goodness blessing to be with someone you love and respect so much, in a place that fills your heart, for as long as God has that plan going!

Not much happening, folks!

But I wanted to say hi to everyone anyway!

Today we went to another town where my husband got an epidural for his back pain. It went well. I rode in the truck with my Aspen on, as the CTO these days seems to cause such "painful brain sleep." I don't know what else to call it. I think this is one of my worst things to deal with, it's so all-inclusive, brain, body, even spirit seems to be going down that long, dark tunnel I wrote about last month.

Well, today, with the Aspen on, I had the same effect. And I figured out one way to describe it. I think it feels like a post-concussive brain. I had it all the time we were driving in the morning, and then all the way home. I felt SO bad when we finally got home that I went right to bed, just thinking I'd lay there and take the weight of my head off of my neck. I didn't intend to sleep, but I did fall into a 2 hour sleep where I woke up continually, it seemed, coming awake enough to feel the pain in the brain (yet, not a headache) and trying to make a decision on if I should get up or not. But getting up seems too hard, so I drift back to sleep, only to wake up moments later and have it all happen over again.

Oddly, however, tonight, I feel great. Once I shook off the whole brain thing after I'd awakened, I started organizing everything I'll need in terms of information for my trip to NY for surgery in a week and a half. A good friend who will be there at the same time getting her own surgery had sent to me via email all the hospital, motel, taxi, airport information and has sent to me a neat binder that has sleeves for index cards, something she uses for her trips there for surgery.

So, this evening, I went through all of those emails and others and wrote down all the information, plus my own contact numbers and feel really good for having a good start at finishing this project. Then, I took Quincy for a walk to the back of our property, which is uphill all the way. From up there, the view at twilight was incredible, with far-off ranch-lights twinkling and fresh evening air. It seems so odd to have felt so miserable all day, only to have it all turn around and feel so good now.

hello and hugs to all my readers! And Happy November!

Sunday: Apnea, Hiking, pain and bullriding

I believe that I have sleep apnea back into my life.

A couple of years ago, I wrestled with this condition, to the extent that I'd wake up with a burning in my chest from having stopped breathing, and having to make a conscious effort to get my breathing going again, even though that was painful to do.

I talked with my main injury doctor and he referred me to a sleep clinic. I underwent both daytime and nighttime sleep studies. Unfortunately, the sleep expert was having personal problems and didn't know that I existed. Not long after my studies, he closed down shop. Good for him, but not for me.

I did get to have a good visit with one of his assistants who said he was not a sleep expert, but was in fact a spine surgeon who decided to change his focus. He was very honest and forthright. I learned things from him as he gave me clear answers to my questions.

He told me that I would never just stop breathing at night and never wake up. He said the will to breathe is just too strong in people. He also told me that if a person's sleep apnea were caused by central nerve damage, such as brainstem compression, their diagnostic machines would not register it.

My study just came back saying that I did not have apnea, but I had too many "unexplained arousals" at night. No one cared enough to pursue further on why I have this issue, but I've gotten used to doctors not caring, so this was nothing new.

This problem seemed to disappear for me. But lately, it has returned. And I recognize the signs right away.

My husband says that I snore a couple of times and then wake myself up. Then I repeat this over and over, all night. I notice that I seem to fall asleep, then come awake, but not fully awake, like not quite breaking the surface of the lake when swimming underneath the water. Then I go right back to sleep and right back into whatever I was dreaming, only to come almost fully awake again, enough that I'm aware of it. It's a very strange thing.

And as I've posted within the last couple of weeks, my breathing has been having lots of problems. Yesterday, my husband was down the hall and asked me a question. I was just sitting in the chair in the living room, I wasn't out of breath, but I didn't have any breath to immediately give him an answer. I had to force myself first to take in a breath before I could speak.

Now, I'm once again experiencing this during sleep. Becoming aware that my body has just stopped breathing and I come awake in order to cognitively make the muscles and diaphragm work in order to take in a breath and get the process going.

I "napped" for about an hour this afternoon, but it felt like I woke up 20 times, immediately falling back to sleep and into whatever dream was going on. Obviously, this leads to no deep or REM sleep, and a lot of fatigue during the day.

The woods across the road finally got their call through to my heart's ears today, and I leashed up the little dog and off we went. Once well away from the road, I unhooked his leash and let him enjoy the excursion. What a wonderful hike. I admit it, I walked further than I have in a long time (I was perhaps gone 45 minutes which included several rest stops where I would linger on a nice, moss covered, square rock whenever I found one!), but I also was the MOST painful coming home than I have ever been. My legs and my feet were hurting SO badly, I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and kept hoping I'd make it. Once back at home, pain meds and a soft chair helped the situation immensely.

I walked so far because I wonder if it will be six months or more before I can once again be immersed in the beauty of these woods that seem to be mine alone. I can't imagine not being able to visit the trees and deer trails and boulders; I had to remind myself that I am blessed that these myriad acres are here for me at all and that they will wait, just like they have been, for years.

Tonight, Justin McBride was crowned world champion of the Professional Bull Riders Assn. It was thrilling to watch, I've caught every one of the 7 rounds of the National finals held in Las Vegas (on TV).

Oh, me of little faith!

The 35 mile road through the spectacular scenery that holds our attention as we drive to our nearest "shopping town" today led us back to the cancer center where I had my 4th pamidronate IV infusion. It took 3 hours. The time went by so quickly as I visited with a nurse who was new to me (a sister in the Lord) and with an elderly woman who was receiving chemo in the recliner across from me.

After the treatment, I next went to the nearby hospital to have the suspicious bump on my chest wall ultrasounded ... again. As past posts revealed, the first time it was done, the man only took about 30 seconds and hurried through it and it did not feel like he was imaging the area where the bump actually is...and I was laying on the table on my back.

My oncologist wanted me to have it done again only this time, standing. I had a wonderful technician this time and she listened to me, made me feel comfortable, and took a lot of time doing the ultrasound in the supine position, upright and also sitting. She could "see" the bump and she also turned the monitor my way and explained what we were looking at. The bump IS there (it is not just a fold of fat like the first radiologist said) but it looks like it is consistent with the rest of the tissue under the skin in the area.

I was told that the radiologist, after looking at today's scans, wanted me to know that I really should not worry about what her report would say.

PHEW! I almost didn't go, I didn't want to see that first tech-guy again, and I felt foolish having something scanned again that everyone felt was not there. This woman honored me, she said the bump was unusual, and she really gave it a good going-over.

NOW, I am happy and can readily accept the word that it is nothing to worry about, just tissue (tho why it's there, I have no idea. It is still about the size of a walnut)....

SO< oh me of little faith! Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. Thank You Lord for the good report expected.

In Memoriam

Our neighbor came over today and broke down crying with some bad news.

You see, a couple of months ago, their grown son came out on his front porch while I was working with the flowers in the lower part of our yard. He called out to me, "Hey! I have a girlfriend! Her name is Mary!"

Our neighbor's son has MS and though he is very smart in many things, he has his challenges. He was so elated about having a girlfriend that he had to call it out to me as soon as he saw me. I was overjoyed for him.

Later, I learned that the new girlfriend had been subjected to such a tragic life. As a child, she was abused by her parents. When she was removed from that home and placed into foster care, she was sexually abused by the foster parents. She was also molested by the small town sheriff where she grew up.

I didn't know her at all...but I'd met her once or twice. The poor girl was very overweight and cuddled close to her breast a miniature Yorkshire terrier named Scribbles. She held hands with our neighbor's son.

More background, but not a lot, drifted toward me over time. Mary was homeless, with no family at all. Our neighbors took her in, gave her her own room in their home, and provided her a sense of family. She slept perhaps only 100 feet from where I sleep in my own home.

Yesterday, she went and got a flu shot. And she told someone that she hated Halloween, that it is the "devil's day."

At 10:30 am this morning, Mary was found dead in her bed.

She was 27.

Was it the flu shot? Or did her broken heart decide to stop fighting the good fight? She was happily looking forward to getting into her own apartment in a week, moving in with the neighbor's son.

She has nothing and she has no family. If they have a memorial service, who would go? Who would they ask to go? All she had was the family next door.

As our neighbors walked out our door, I gave the wife a hard hug around the neck and I told them that if they have a service, we will attend.

I am so honored to know our sweet neighbors, to know that the home they offered Mary was the safe harbor, perhaps the only one she ever knew, for her to spend her last days. They are my heroes.

Holding my own...

Didn't want my friends here to think I went off the deep end! I'm still not doing great, but am much better than I was on Monday!~ Still have this swallowing thing going on. Can't do very much. Chest is fluttering a lot still. But I'm here and my attitude is good!

I sort of got word today that work comp authorized my surgery in 3 weeks! Such good news. It's not official on paper, but that should be forthcoming. Thank you Lord! what a great relief.

Sorry I don't have much to write but thank you all for your encouragement and prayers. I can feel them, and they have helped! It's just so good to know people care!

Not worth the space I'm takin' up!

That's how I felt today. I don't know why it hit me so hard today, but probably because I spent a careful 45 minutes yesterday doing a few outdoor things. Very low key. But last night, had two episodes of burning, painful calves waking me up to go to the bathroom.

Then today, what I can only describe as an effort to stay alive. It's brainstem stuff, some of my readers know what I'm talking about. My heart jumped around, inconsistent...breathing seemed like something I had to keep after myself. Diaphragm seeming to do calisthenics in my lower chest. Swallowing muscles were lazy, not moving food down very well. Yes, the back of my head and neck hurt, but not agonizingly so. I laid down often and just felt like I was takin' up useful air someone else should be using!

My husband and I can see that the fusion surgery needs to be happening soon. I'm getting worse. But first, the Tethered Cord surgery.

Right now, the scalp on my head has burning, zinging pressure. Today, my feet were painful and yet numb somehow, and my palms were the same.

I am confident tomorrow will be better.