Friday, December 28, 2007

Whadayaknow? It IS up to me!

After a rough night with little sleep and a consequently rough day, I got back into the truck for the second time today to head to town for my afternoon PT appointment.

I'm feeling ragged. I only have a day or two's worth of Percoset left. I called my doctor's office and they said he can't see me until Friday. No problem, I thought, I'm trying to cut back on the medication that makes my days endurable anyway. So, I've been trying to take one instead of two at time of dosing. Usually, that doesn't cut it and an hour later, I'm getting the 2nd one out.

Stopping first at the Post Office, I crawled out of the truck's passenger-side door, intending to mail a few small packages I have ready to mail. Seeing the long line of like-minded folks, I turned around and said to my husband, "I'm mailing these on Monday."

I crawled back into the truck and just moaned. I usually can buck up and don't do a whole lot of moaning, but not today. My husband asked, "Do you want me to just take you home and you can call and cancel this PT appointment?"

Wow, my pain-fogged brain hadn't thought of that! You bet that's what I want to do.

Back at home, I called in sick (ha), and told the nurse that I am not sure PT is for me. Yes, I had the tethered cord surgery, but I still have the severe problems up at the skull base. And I've been suffering two days just from the very careful, gentle evaluation done by Bob, the therapist.
She seemed to understand. I'll try to keep my appointment on Monday and explain it to him. I also need to ask if he'll prescribe a new Aspen Collar for me. The velcro is worn out on mine and I can easily make it slip off anytime I want to.

Then I laid down and slept an hour and a half. Just what I needed!

Earlier than they arrived yesterday evening, the small herd of yearling deer appeared again on the bank right behind our house. One looked at me through the kitchen window as I washed the dishes, showing off his 4" spike horns. The young deer have been hanging around a few days, nuzzling beneath the snow for the bounteous amount of acorns that fell from our oaks this Fall. Naturally, I love them.

Staying home and watching them did me a whole world of good more than going into the hospital today. Sometimes....I've just had enough of doctors and I just can't walk down one more hospital hallway.

Thoughts of the upcoming fusion and the halo fill my mind at least 2/3rds of the time. I know I simply have to go have it done. If it is hurting this badly, it will only get worse. But the whole scenario of the halo and possible problems with it gives many misgivings.


Anonymous said...

V, hang in there kiddo. These golden years are not quite what we expected. You did the correct thing by not going with such residual pain. It ABSOLUTELY is up to you!

I continue to keep you in my prayers. We know who is in charge and that He always does a much better job of things, if we let Him have the control.

Although others have had similar experiences, there is only one YOU and even with the most wonderful support group, pain and recovery can be a very lonely journey.

When I tell my daughter that there is pain much greater than childbirth, she tells me that I have just forgotten. When I apologize that "everything" takes much longer to do and that there are things I did before my injury that I may never be able to do again, "helpful" people tell me that I am not as young as I used to be. We both know that in a moment our lives were changed. January 24, 2004 changed my life. Sometimes I wonder what this change means and how will I handle it. Then I try to remember that worry will not change a one thing and that I need every little bit of energy to move forward to find my part in this plan.

There are a lot of "woulda, coulda, shouldas" that cross my mind when I try to reason this whole series of events. Our faith will sustain us!

Sometimes the encouragement I try to give to you is exactly what I need. My grandmother always told us not to point at other people because when we did there were three fingers pointing back at us.

May you be blessed with perfect peace.

Love, Cleo

By His Grace said...

Dear friend Cleo...

I had the most wonderful call from our friend Jack W. today. What an inspiration he is! He always lifts my spirits and puts things into cowboy perspective. I love that man!

I know you understand this, but one of the things I was voicing today was that I can't ever judge how someone else deals with their pain. This experience has shown me that each person, in the midst of it, is working on such an instinctual and base level, that what they are doing and how they are reacting really is out of their own control. Each of us has a level of pain tolerance or stoicism and that even changes from day to day, week to week. All we can do is try to hold the hand of our friend and try to refrain from such comments as, "We're all getting older." gggrrrr!

prayers for you, too, my friend!
love, V.