Sunday, April 12, 2009

Two weeks, countdown begins

I seem to be doing so badly lately. My life is so simple, so slow, and yet, I can't keep up with it. I have emails piled up to be answered, I have tasks to be done, and I just can't complete it all. But I know what needs to be done WILL get done, or it wasn't important to begin with.

But this is the thing...

Have you ever carried something really heavy for a long distance? Perhaps it was a bucket of water out to the horses, or a bale of hay, or whatever it might be, I wonder if you've had that challenging experience and, when you get close to the finish line, to the spot where you can stop and rest, or you will finally reach your goal, the last few feet are the worst part of the whole journey?

You might see the Ironmen on TV, they are carrying big boulders to a finish line, and as they approach the line, they are shaking, losing their grip, faces are red with exertion, and sometimes, they even drop the boulder right before they make it across.

It seems like those last few feet, when you have your goal in sight, are the hardest to hang on.

That is how I feel lately. My skull seems so loosely attached to my spine. It seems new symptoms keep popping up. I have a hard time swallowing, food gets lodged in the top of my esophagus yet my gag reflex is not triggered at all...I feel much weaker....ANY talking seems to cause such pain at the back of my head. (I am very quiet these days even around home)

I can't imagine feeling this way and NOT having the hope of the surgery coming up.

On the other hand, I am anxious, to some extent, about it all. I know I will do it, and I will take one step at a time and I will do it, I will get it done and I will return home. I will keep taking that next step.

But...there are still some little, niggling concerns that arise much of the time. I am sure this is natural and to be expected. I must have felt this way before my last surgery. I also feel better than last time because this time, when they push my bed down a hall, or push me around in a wheelchair, I will have a much better idea of what is going on.

So, these are just my thoughts leading up to D-Day....


janice said...

This is a very trying time. You have carried this burden for 5 years. You have had some poor care in the past, which is inexcusable for this day and age. You are in good hands now.
Having your friend who has already been through this surgery is a wonderful blessing. I hope that she can continue the blogg to tell us of your progress. I don't blame you for being a bit apprehensiv. The word surgery causes ame to have an immediate burst of tears. My prior neck surgery was going to be short and fuse two vertebrae. Well , it was long and fused 4 levels. Just gather your strength and let all the "should dos" pass on.
My animals and dirt (plants) are my salvation. I do not plan to move and plan to keep all my animals for the rest of their lives. I must admit that I see no "big picture" as yet. My girlfriend in West Virgina has 100 chickins. My other friend down here has a chickin that likes to sit in her lap.

Carolyn said...

Just wanted to stop by to tell you that I'm still thinking of you, especially now as surgery approaches. I'm very hopeful that you will finally find relief. Be well.