Friday, October 10, 2008

I was just so mad...

Writing this is hard.

Yesterday morning, I was just so mad. Oh, I held it at bay so the world would not know (the world being my husband and our two dogs) but I was just frustrated and mad. My husband feels horrible, has all-over pain which keeps him in the recliner much of the time and sometimes contributes (like it does to me) to a depressed state. And with all the economical crisis news on TV, people losing their homes, questions whether we will be able to keep our home, whether our loved ones will have a home, whether social security and disability will stay solid enough to help us through these painful times (they are the only income we have), well, it's easy for it all to boil over sometimes.

Even though we have faith. Even though we appreciate the sky and the clouds and Fall colors.
Even though we know God has a plan.

But it was more than that yesterday. I was just mad at my brain and at my situation and fretting about a surgery I'm not sure will help and which could make me worse.

So, I was feeling halfway good, given the level of narcotics in my system at that moment. I asked my husband to go for a walk in the woods with me, but he felt bad and sad. So, I went anyway.

With two exuberant dogs on leashes (bad idea), I bundled up in a warm jacket, gloves and winter cap and headed across the road to the deer trails which I have not visited in months and which always lift my spirits. No collar for me or brace. I just wanted to be normal and okay for a while.

Following deer trails down to the dry creek bottom, I thought at first (and wisely) to turn toward home, but I was bundled up with frustration as well as warm clothing, and I stepped across the creekbed where the trail immediately became steep, climbing a hill to the ridgeline on the other side.

I switch-backed up, with dogs pulling forward, getting hung up in their leads (they have not been walked in a long time) and stumbling about my feet. I took my time getting to the top, stopping to rest and deal with these oxygen/breathing problems I've been talking about (I know, I'm stupid). At the top, I walked eastward in a direction I had not walked before and found lovely
Ponderosa forests, new pinecones on the forest floor and lots of pine needles freshly shed from the pines above. My time was scarred a bit by the tussling of the dogs, but it was still glorious, the golden and russet colored oaks and the very brisk mountain air all feeding this secret little spot inside of me which has always been fed by the high country and new trails.

As I headed home, I knew I'd made a mistake. I'd come too far. I had only come perhaps a half mile, but it was rough going and sometimes steep. And the dogs added their complications with my back and tethered cord surgery area all screaming in pain as I bent time after time to untether the leashes and limbs of my Dachshund-cross buddies who wanted so badly to sniff rocks and trees and bushes for the signs of transient coyotes.

I stumbled on home, in SO much pain and so weak. I could barely bend down, and in such pain, to deal with the dogs and once, Mickey's snap came loose and he was suddenly loose along the road!

I got home, cursing myself for allowing myself to do much more than I should. Somewhere inside of me, I still have this thing that thinks I can push past hard, tired, steep, cold, pain and I will be better and okay once I push past it. That was okay for most of my life, but not now.

Last night and today, already, the neurological pain is reminding me of my folly. Was it worth it? Not really. I should have stayed home and allowed myself to continue feeling well and to keep on healing. So, I'm kinda mad at myself for giving in to the Siren's Song of the wistful trail.

This morning, I went to the local hospital for a CT scan, follow up, of my lungs. This is just an annual follow up for some lesions they found last year on my lungs. I am expecting no problems.

I am now realizing that morphine is just not for me. It causes me to feel too sad, to cry for no reason, and it isn't helping that much with pain. I am going to start weaning myself off. Which I've already been doing and have seen "some" improvement with the breathing issues.

thanks for reading. Here's praying for each of you reading this, and for our country.

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