Tuesday, January 29, 2008


I guess I could have just said "doubt," but my contrived word sounds more fun, and a little bit of fun is always welcome!

I live with doubt. I know that the converse of doubt is faith, trust or confidence. Thus, my doubt is truly a lack of faith.

"Lord I believe! Help thou me with my unbelief." Thomas told this to Jesus and I know exactly what he meant. "Help me to believe what I know to be true. That you will take care of everything. I believe in You, but help me not to doubt about the future."

Haunted by questions and doubts about the craniocervical fusion, I spend each day going back and forth on why I should have confidence about it. I know I need it. But, yes, I worry about feeling worse after the surgery.

I need to list the reasons that I need to go forward with confidence:

1) I am not going to get any better.
2) And my lifestyle now is really one of doing very little, and when I do anything, there is no fun or enjoyment in it because I immediately pay the price.
3) My son told me that I needed to go for this because if I were to get into an auto accident, I would be much safer. I need to do this for him.
4) The world-famous neurosurgeon who did my cord detethering told my sister that if I decide to go back for the fusion, they can help me "alot." "She may even be able to ride again," he said.
5) A princely sum was paid by my insurance for the pamidronate treatments, to strengthen my bones for the surgery.
6)I have, if God wills it, another 30 to 35 years to live and I don't want to live in this condition.
7) Most of all, the Lord promised me that He cared for me, and that all things work together for good "to them who love God and the called according to His purpose."
8) My husband deserves to have a more healthy partner with whom to enjoy his retirement years, and also to take care of him as he ages.
9) It is miraculous that I am alive, and it was miraculous that I was led to exactly the surgeons (3000 miles away) who knew what to do to help me. It's miraculous that my work comp insurance has approved me to have treatment there. The Hand of Almighty God is evident, and I need to suck it up and move forward with courage that God has prepared the way for me.
10) The tethered cord surgery I just had was only stage one in a two step surgical plan.

It's good to have free will...to have that ability to choose. And, sometimes, it means choosing to believe God, take Him at His promising Word as opposed to living in fear and doubt.

It's all akin to a scared Spring lamb cowering within a dark trailer. The door is open to green pasture and streams of water rolling through waving stands of grass. Shady trees dot the landscape and puffy clouds skim across the sky from time to time. Birds sing from the branches of tall pines.

The lamb stands shakily inside the dark trailer. The air inside reeks of manure and urine, and the lamb is hungry, so hungry her insides hurt and she is weak beyond compare. The rancher beckons her forward to the fields of green, but she is fearful because she can't see those fields and all she knows is the dank insides of the stock trailer.

I am that lamb and I need to jump out into the sunshine with faith and courage that God has set this all up in His divine plan.

1 comment:

zoe ashcraft said...

oh darling~
yes, jump!!!

(((the arms of Jesus~ our faithful shepherd)))

from another lamb-
(that's a lot nicer than saying 'dumb ol' sheep' huh?) (wink)

love and prayers~