"Thou, oh Lord, art the lifter of my head."
I read that in a book today and the words leapt from the page. Yet, my feelings about it are ambivalent. I know, without a shadow of doubt, that the Lord has indeed preserved me and is keeping me going. But, sad to say, my head is not very stable or feeling very supported.
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I started this new post last night, but went to bed before finishing. Yesterday evening, I had such bad pain, especially to the touch, behind my right ear. I went to bed at 11:30 and woke up just now at 2:30 in extreme pain in my hips and lower back. I stumbled, with hurting feet, to the bathroom, then tried to return to my bed, but everything hurt so badly, I got up immediately. Besides, I wanted to change my underthings, another side effect of a badly irritated lower spinal cord.
I took a Norco, and here I sit. My brain is having a hard time, my eyes are hurting so badly, I'm having to correct everything here. And I write this in the midst of this pain, not for sympathy (it will pass) but for others in like situations.
I went without caffeine all day yesterday thinking that would fix everything with the "below the waist "and leg symptoms at night, but certainly that didn't help....
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Now, 'tis morning, a gray, cloud-laden sky, light snow falling. Very dark in the house.
I received a long form from the national gathering I have regularly attended for the last 20 years. A form sent out to everyone who has been invited over the years, a potential harvest of information for the folklorists and archivists on the 25th anniversary of the event.
I looked it over, but will have to respond that I am just not well enough to fill it out. I want to reply with one sentence: "If I were a horse, they'd shoot me."
And from a livestock raiser's perspective, this is true. I certainly would not be of any use and surely some well-intentioned vet would be telling my owner that it was time to put me "out of my misery." Pretty funny, in a sardonic sort of way.
I've been studying a bit more about Tethered Cord surgery after reading my OR report. Wanting to learn about arachnoid lesions, which are what caused my surgery to last so long. And this research is leading me to list several more questions for my surgeon when I see him in May.
Was thinking a bit ago that the difference in chronic pain and "non-chronic" is that with the latter, you are worried and you go the ER expecting help for your pain. With the former, you live with it and only in extreme cases go to the ER, because you know they, nor anyone else, can help.
Well, now on with my day. I always find lots to keep me occupied.
3 comments:
V,
I hope that you are feeling better today. The one thing about chronic pain is that we are so appreciative when we get some relief. Thank you for writing so well about something so difficult to articulate for many of us. The levels are incredible to believe, unless one has been there.
I pray for comfort for you.
Blessings, Cleo
L.
What can be said except we all love you here in P.R. Our prayers go with you.
Love C & L
Just a note to say that it appears the itching might be from Cerebrospinal Fluid (CSF) Leaks; the brain settling onto nerves which go into the shoulder blades, arms and sometimes legs (or the leak into the spinal canal?). I am not sure what they will do about mine; but wanted to pass the word on back to you as I erased my longer notes the other day. Hope this helps. I plan on putting up some links in a few days.
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