Saturday, May 31, 2008

Revelation Morning

This morning, I drove into town with my new Johnson CTO. It is incredible in the extra stability it gives me, and as I think I've written before, when something gives me better stability, my mind thinks: wow, the fusion surgery perhaps could do this for me 24/7!

I shouldn't be driving, I know, but my husband's foot is still to where he can't drive using a clutch. And as I've said, it's only a mile into town. This doesn't work too badly though because he looks both ways for me and watches backing up etc, and does all the looking off to the sides that I can't do. We went to the gas station and filled up a can, $4.09 is our price now. We went to the grocery store for a rawhide chew for Mickey (more on him, soon). We went to the old General store and I bought some used steak knives from a yard saler out front. And then we went to the post office.

Everywhere I go, I know that people are looking at me because of the "in your face" CTO jacket. The Johnson is probably even more in your face, the back of it, the part I love, is a big bowl-looking piece of plastic that cups the back of the head and that comes up high enough that a velcro strap comes across the forehead and back to the other side and this part I absolutely LOVE! I think these two features, the ones that make me look like a Storm Trooper, are exactly the ones that make me feel much better and safer. I know people look at me. I still am not totally used to it.

But I had a revelation that meant a lot to me today.

"I am who I always hoped I would be."

And I'd never have known it if I were not in the position I'm in now.

When I was strong and healthy, or even when I wasn't but wasn't going about in such large braces, I would see others in wheelchairs or in other debilitating conditions, and they would smile, they'd strive to do something, to find good in a day, to make me feel better about myself. And I always hoped that if I were ever in their position, I would be as graceful and strong as they are. But I wasn't sure I would be.

But I am that person. I do every bit of whatever I am able to do given the shape I'm in. And I do it with a smile for my fellow man so that they won't feel badly about things by seeing me. It's all glory to God.

And I like knowing that about myself. That was a gift today.

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