Monday, September 24, 2007

My Brain

I am feeling like this this morning:

pain, mild in my head
a feeling of pressure across the top of my head
Sensation that my head is pressing heavily down onto my Cspine.
burning pain occipitally
I can't think my way through things.
My email is not working and I need to contact the service provider, yet I can't deal with talking to anyone right now.
I can't "wrap my brain" around things.
I've not taken any pain medication, so that is not it.
I am just struggling to think! This has been coming on for a few days. I deal with this every day, but find good, clear lucid moments at times.

I'm like a tiger, caged up, and the door is open for a bit each day where I can take tentative steps outside and look around, but I get pulled back into the cage later on.

My brain used to work like a well-oiled machine, I could access parts of it, bring to the front the things I want to work on, and then store away for later on. But now and since my injury, I hit blank walls and I can't battle past it. The more I might fight against it, I've learned it just gets worse.

I've seen horses like this, worked with them. Shadow was one. YOu couldn't fight him, you could only out-stubborn him. But I can't out-stubborn my brain. I simply have to wait til all the cells and neurons and axons and molecules and nerve endings and tissue and all the planets are aligned just right before I can proceed.

I don't tell my brain what to do. IT tells me what to do and when. And there is no argument. Case closed. There is no pushing my way on through. I've tried that, but that wall comes up, and it is formidable.

It's not a Puissance wall, where a good enough horse can jump it. It goes all the way up into the sky and as far to the left and right as the eye can see and it is even buried down deep into the dirt, that wall is. As you can see, right now, all I can do is write about the Wall. And I can't really envision the Wall unless I'm right up against it.

I'm not spinning my wheels fighting against the wall. I am not banging my fists in frustration against the wall. I am not crying. I am just stalled out....like treading water getting nowhere but not that much activity. Just a strong, brain burn that is humming, humming, idling against the wall.

I can only write of the Wall when I am in the idling position against it. Because when my brain starts to soften that wall, allowing me to move through it a little bit, then I can't remember what it was like. That is why I am writing stream of consciousness here, to try to record what this Wall feels like. Burning...idling.....no backing up or climbing up or turning left or right...just that burning idling feeling.

Waiting.

2 comments:

Scott said...

Hi, so I haven't read enough of your posts to know what caused your injury. But with the mention of horses, I am guessing you fell off a horse and landed on top of your head?

Just enjoy the moments when everything lines up and you are feeling sharp again.

This post makes me think back to how my brain was all weird during chemo regiments. Similar but also different. Not really fun, but what can you do?

By His Grace said...

Scott, thanks...you are right, just enjoy to the fullest those good moments with "mucho gusto!" It's really a wonderful way to live life anyway, right?

Yep, fell off horse, landed on head. My Dad used to tell me for years that I'd break my neck training horses!

Interesting to learn how chemo affects someone. You are right again, "what can you do?" I hope you are not having to go thru that stuff now! Prayers for you!

hugs
BHG